Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

Summer 2010 · selected scenes

The Woodpecker's Message

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, a new community was formed, a dangerous ring of educators was shut down, and Doc captured the ringleaders with a dazzling display of martial artistry. The Queen of England announced her engagement, Charlie Tann made an offer too good to resist, and a famous Texas Game Warden mysteriously disappeared.....

RAAT RAAT TATAT RAATTATATATAT RAAT TAT TAT RAAT TAT

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"What's that noise?"

RAATATATRAATATAT

"THAT noise?"

"Yes, THAT noise, Homer!"

RAATATATRAATATAT RAAT TA-TAT

"It's a woodpecker, Doc!"

"I know it's a woodpecker, Homer, but that sounds like Morse code!"

"Yes, a message from Ranger Headquaters, Doc!"

"Well, Homer, what is the message?"

"Shhhhhhhhhh!"

RAATATAT RAATAT RAAT

* * *

Thanks mostly to the tourist traffic generated by Pooky's Hippytopia: The World's Largest Drive-through Hippy Preserve, the Blooming Grove Greater Downtown Business District is booming!

Pooky owns the Scented Candle store, the Natural Healing Center, The Hip Art Gallery, and the Bohemian Vintage Clothing Boutique:

"I also need two of the large sagewood candles, please."

"OK, two medium tie-dye T-shirts, and two large scented candles."

"Did you make these yourself?"

"No Ma'am, I just work here. Pooky imports those from China!"

"But I thought this was authentic Hippy merchandise from the Hippy Village!"

"No Ma'am. We Hippies are not allowed to sell our handcrafted items, we are only allowed to make them as part of the show!"

"But why do you work here?"

"Pooky pays me $20 per week. I need the money to pay the taxes on the free land he gave me!"

* * *

The population of Hippytopia has exploded!

There are now more than 20,000 hippies living there!!

Many have communally pooled their land grants in order to create public spaces.

A huge crowd is gathered in Peaceful Meadows, where a Wisdom Circle has been called. Baby Fawn stands in the middle of the circle, holding the Feather of Wisdom, which means all attention is on her words until she hands the Feather to the next speaker:

"Friends, we face a crisis! Pooky has generously donated the land for our community, but the taxes are due, and we have few resources! We must raise money for taxes, or lose our community! I propose we petition to lift the ban on selling our handmade goods, as well as our services!"

Baby Fawn passes the Feather of Wisdom to Mark Karls:

"Friends, hippies, and everyman, we must all realize that we are being exploited! The bourgeois capitalists lured us here with promises of a peaceful harmonious community, which of course we do have, but at what expense? Our lifestyle is put on public display as an amusement for idle tourists! The few of us who have jobs must work at ridiculously low wages, while the capitalist Pooky grows richer! How long must the peaceful peasantry suffer from the crushing boot of the oppressor?!!”

* * *

BREAKING NEWS

“BGTV now takes you live to the scene of the devastating earthquake that rocked the Blooming Grove Historical Downtown District last evening:”

"Good Morning Blooming Grove! This is Dewey Knott, reporting live from the scene of the devastating earthquake that rocked Blooming Grove last night! The quake, which measured 4.3 on the Richter Scale, was most unusual in that there is no fault zone in the area! There were no reported injuries, in spite of the fact the epicenter was within a few yards of the crowds gathered for the Third Annual Blooming Grove Nacho Cook Off!"

Witness testimony:

"I had just gotten a big plate of nachos, and walked over and sat on that bench across the street. I was about to take a bite when I saw a burro come charging down the middle of the street, carrying the biggest man I've ever seen in my life!! He was wearing a poncho and a huge sombrero, and when he leapt from his burro, that's when the earthquake hit! I was knocked to the sidewalk, and when I looked up, there was a huge dust cloud across the street! When the dust cleared, that old brick building was a pile of rubble!"

"BGTV now returns to our regularly scheduled program....."

* * *

Under house arrest, King Arthur awaits his cue to begin his speech to the Knights, via closed circuit TV:

"Your Majesty, the Knights await your instructions!"

The Knights of the Round Silo are gathered in and around the Round Silo. Inside there is a giant television screen, which will broadcast King Arthur's speech. A hush falls over the crowd as King Arthur rises from his LazyKing chair:

"Brave and loyal Knights, courageously have you struggled against the forces of tyranny! The light of your example is held a beacon to those distressed by the oppressors! Because of your bravery, the disenfranchised have discovered hope and the power of their own voices! Voices which, when heard in unison, will shake the foundations of the existing order!! It is with great joy and sorrow that I now declare an ending to the Knights of the Round Silo! Your deeds will forever echo through the pages of future history!! But I charge you now to do even greater deeds, not as Knights of the Realm, but as private citizens!! The people are now not only aware of the magnitude of the crimes committed against them, they are aware of the overwhelming power for change they possess!! And they are ready to show it by their ballot!!”

* * *

"So, Homer, what did the woodpecker say?"

"It didn't say anything, Doc, it's a bird and a bird can't talk."

"A parrot can!"

"Ok, Doc, a parrot can talk."

"So can a Mynah!"

"Yes, Doc, thanks for reminding me."

"So what's up, Homer?"

"Everything that isn't at eye level or lower, Doc."

"So Game Warden McNutt is OK?"

"Yes, Doc. He has successfully infiltrated the Boneyard Gang."

"So what do we do now, Homer?"

"Well, Doc, we still have all those Vassals, Varlets, Wenches, Waifs, Serfs, and Knaves to round up, plus no telling how many fugitive teachers and professors. But first..."

"But first what, Homer?"

"My old friend Blue Coyote is getting married, and we are assigned to provide security for the wedding."

"Why would he need security, Homer?"

"It's not for Blue, Doc. He is marrying Nacho Mama, formerly known as the Queen of England! Kings, Queens, Rajahs, Presidents, Czars, Emperors, Prime Ministers, Mafia Dons, and heads of state from around the world will be attending!"

* * *

More than 50, 000 fans have gathered for the Frost 65 th Annual Willie Nelson Impersonators Competition. After three days of competition, the finalists are on the stage:

"Ladies and gentlemen, our winners are:

Third place goes to Nacho Mama for: "On the Throne Again!"

And the Champion is …….

E, the King of Police , for: "Hunka hunka burning blue eyes crying in the rain!"

Also, honorable mention goes to Willie Nelson for: “Hello walls””

"But I am Willie Nelson!!"

"Work on your act, grow your hair back, and try again next year, Willie!"

* * *

For every peaceful flock of sheep, there is a pack of ravenous wolves, and Hippytopia is no exception:

"I won't go so far as to call Pooky an oppressor. He gave us our land for free. He helped to organize this community. Sure, he makes a few bucks off the tourists, but who are we to deprive him of his livelihood? I have a better idea! There are 20,000 of us now, I propose we incorporate Hippytopia as a town! We can have our own Mayor, City Council, and Police force!"

There is a huge chorus of "far out, man!!" "groovy!!" and other anachronistic and antiquated colloquialisms.

* * *

Backstage, after the winners have received their prizes, Nacho Mama is granted an audience with His Majesty, King E :

"Congratulations on winning the contest, Your Highness!"

"You did very well yourself!"

"Your Crown looks familiar, did you get it from Nacho Bubba Grande?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did!"

"Would you be interested in a trade?"