Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

May 2010 · selected scenes

The Curly Shuffle

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, Mortyfarty escaped, the mayor had a radical proposal, and Doc discovered a secret underground plot:

"The situation is grave indeed, Ranger Spurlock!"

"Yes Governor, a crisis of unprecedented proportions!"

"If those teachers get loose in our school system, life as we know it will be forever altered!"

"Yes Governor, this education thing is bound to spiral out of control!"

"Homer, it is a well known fact, as goes Texas, so soon goes the rest of the world! You must contain this outbreak before it spreads, Homer!"

* * *

We will return to swap and gossip after this word from our sponsors:

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* * *

Meanwhile, over at Hippytopia:

"Wow man! This is really groovy!"

"Welcome to Hippytopia!"

"So where do I put my teepee, man?"

"Just pick a spot that isn't taken!"

Charlie Foxx is amazed at the sheer number and variety of tents and various handmade shelters that line the snaky gravel road. The road is separated from the settlement by a very high chicken wire fence.

"Far out man! This is just like a little Woodstock!"

* * *

"Dr. Mortyfarty! It's really you!"

"Yes Hanibal! I was transferred to the custody of Furry Barham!"

"How horrible, Dr. Mortyfarty! How did you escape?"

"I rubbed my ropes in slop! A big sow chewed my ropes off, and I jumped on her back and rode her into the Trinity River Bottom!"

"You are brilliant Dr. Mortyfarty! But who did I rescue, disguised as the Queen of England?"

"None other than Doc Shotgun, Hanibal! Where is he?"

"He is in the main cavern, addressing the professors and teachers!"

"We must hurry, Hanibal, time is of the essence!"

"Why is that Dr. Mortyfarty? It will take him a week to get all their addresses!"

* * *

Doc Shotgun, dressed as the Queen of England, whilst masquerading as Mortyfarty, is busily addressing the teachers and professors when a voice rings out, reverberating through the cavern:

"Now I have you, Doc Shotgun, you cannot escape!!"

"Come 'n get me, tough guys!" says Doc, as he begins the Curly shuffle and wave!!

Mortyfarty and Hanibal rush Doc, only to encounter the double-double eye poke, followed by the belly punch, slap slap, a push on the chest, game over! The whole contest lasts less than three seconds!

* * *

"Who was that on the phone, Princess?"

"It was my cousin, Omer!"

"Is she okay? She has been missing for weeks!"

"She met a man, fell in love, and is getting married!"

"Married? In Texas?"

"Yes my darling, isn't it romantic? She fell in love with a Texan, just like I did!"

"So she is abdicating the throne?"

"Yes, little Charlie will be taking over, she will be staying here!"

* * *

"Stick 'em both in the cage, Doc!"

"Okay, Doctor Mortyfarty, you heard him! You, too, Hanibal!"

Once the prisoners are securely locked in the cage, Homer and Doc move out of hearing range of the prisoners.

"How many of the teachers got away, Homer?"

"I can't be certain, Doc, we have detained 186 of them, but many escaped through side tunnels!"

"And the kids?"

"All gone, Doc!"

"So there is still a danger they will infiltrate the public schools!"

"Yes, I suppose so Doc, but they will have to use the current textbooks, so there is little danger of our school children being overeducated!"

* * *

Introducing CTTV, with hour upon hour of inspirational sermons from the Reverend Charlie Tann; filmed live at the Ministry of Prosperity:

"I think we need to tell our television audience about our new Deluxe Salvation plan!"

"That's a wonderful idea, Brother Charlie!"

"Gentle Believers, God wants you to prosper in Heaven as well as here on Earth!"

"That's right, Brother Charlie!"

"That is why we have been authorized to offer the Deluxe Salvation Plan!"

"Hallelujah, Brother Charlie, tell them the good news!"

"With the Deluxe Salvation plan, you will be pre-forgiven for 4 minor sins per week, 3 intermediate sins per month, and 2 major sins per year!"

"That's a great deal folks!"

"Yes Shirley, we are all sinners and temptation surrounds us! Wouldn't it be wonderful to know you can give in to temptation and still have the assurance you have already been forgiven?"

"That's the plan for me, Brother Charlie! Tell them the rest!"

"Well, you know Heaven is a big place, but prime real estate is at a premium!"

"That's right Brother Charlie! Tell them about Heavenly Acres!"

"Members who purchase the Deluxe Salvation Plan, and remain current in their payments, will receive prime real estate in Heavenly Acres, where the streets are paved with gold and every paid up member will have a crowbar!"

"And it's only $69.99 per month!"

"That's right folks, only $69.99 per month!"

"Why burn in Hell when you can buy your way into Heaven?!!"

"Send check or money order to Charlie Tann, P.O. Box 1999, Miniprosper, Texas. Offer not valid in Connecticut, New Jersey and Oklahoma. Some restrictions may apply."

* * *

"Homer?"

"What Doc?"

"What's that?"

"What's what, Doc?"

"What's that over there?"

"Oh that! It's a 12 point buck, Doc! And he appears to have a note attached to his antler!"

"You better catch him Homer!"

"I can't catch a deer, Doc!"

"Here Homer, try this!"

Doc hands Homer a handful of corn. The buck walks up to Homer and eats the corn from his hand. Doc gently removes the note from the deer’s antlers, the deer runs away.

"Is that from E, Doc?"

"Yes Homer, I will read it to you."

"Ok, Doc, go ahead."

"Ranger Headquarters has just learned that Game Warden Charlie McNutt is missing! He was investigating the Boneyard Gang when last heard from! It is believed he has been taken hostage! You must investigate immediately! Signed Secret Undercover Ranger E, AKA the King of Police."

"Oh no, not them! Not now! With so many crises developing so quickly, we are going to need more Rangers!"

"Do you think they will reactivate the Frontier Battalion, Homer?"

"I hope so, Doc, I sure do hope so!"

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"Isn't Game Warden McNutt the one who broke up the illegal horseshoe ring?"

"Yep, that's him Doc! Now he is investigating the Boneyard Gang!"

"The ones who play dominoes with no spinner?"

"That's them Doc! A more vicious group of nonconformists was unknown in these parts, until the Boneyard Gang moved in!"