Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

April 2010 · selected scenes

A Plot to Educate Texas

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, Furry was left guarding a prisoner. Doc, disguised as Mortyfarty disguised as the Queen of England, was rescued from the cage in the park near the playground by Hanibal. The trial of King Arthur was delayed for want of an interpreter. Homer had a hearty breakfast.

"OK, Dr. Mortyfarty, I will move this log and that rock and we can go in."

"You mean this log?"

"Yes."

"And that rock over there?"

"Yes."

"So you move them and we go in where?"

"We go into your new International Criminal Enterprises, Incorporated headquarters!"

Hanibal moves the log and the rock, and a huge trap door opens. A blast of cold air hits "Dr. Mortyfarty" as he descends the stairs into the cavernous cavern. Hanibal follows closely behind.

"The heads of the various branches of ICE, Inc. are assembled here, awaiting your instructions, Dr. Mortyfarty!"

* * *

We now join Furry Barham and her prisoner inside Furry's barn:

"Furry, thank you my dear, for removing the gag and blindfold! Now would you kindly untie me please?"

"I don't think so, Dr. Morty! You are a prisoner of the Great State of Texas, and I have been deputized to guard you until your trial!"

"Hanibal will rescue me! And then you will be in trouble!"

"Hanibal has already rescued you, or so he thinks! Doc Shotgun is now in charge of your criminal empire!"

"You must let me go, Furry! This could mean disaster of unprecedented proportions!"

"I am not gonna let you go, just forget it!"

"I will pay anything you want!"

"Very funny, Dr. Morty, considering you still owe me!"

"But you were working for Spurlock, you tricked me!"

"I bet you wish now you had paid me, don't you?"

"I'm hungry!"

"I'm fixin’ to slop the hogs. You can slither out there and eat with them!"

"With my hands tied behind my back?"

"Yes and your face in the mud, where it belongs!"

* * *

Deep within the bowels of the cavernous Blooming Grove City Hall, the Mayor has a Top Secret Meeting with the City Council:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the Council, I called this meeting to discuss a plan to stimulate business in Blooming Grove. As you know, Mr. Itamoru is committed to build the world's largest underground shopping mall in this area. The only prerequisite is that there must be a proven customer base. That means franchises such as MuckDonald's, Starmucks,etc."

"Mr. Mayor, how do you propose we get these franchises to move to Blooming Grove?"

"We have commissioned an exhaustive study of small towns who have managed to become prosperous cities, and they all have one thing in common!"

"What would that be, Mr. Mayor?"

"Hippies!!"

A startled silence fills the room. One lady Commissioner faints!!

"Is there no other way, Mr. Mayor?"

"In each town studied, the progression was the same. First the hippies, who attract the artists, who attract the tourists. The tourists attract the franchises, as well as the people who work for them. The property values are increased, as well as city revenues. The property taxes increase geometrically, and the hippies and artists are unable to pay the taxes and the commercial developers are then able to buy the property cheap. The town grows and prospers and those who would be a drag on the economy are displaced!"

"Sounds like a great plan, Mr. Mayor, except for one thing..."

"What would that be?"

"Where are we going to find any Hippies?"

* * *

Over at Furry's ranch:

"If you get hungry enough, you will crawl out there and eat with the hogs!"

"You could at least untie my legs!"

"I have things to do, Dr. Morty. You had better start crawling before the hogs finish all the slop!"

As she walks toward her house, Furry glances over her shoulder and sees Dr. Mortyfarty crawling toward the hogs....

* * *

Later, over at Happy Jack's Bully Cafe, Homer is feasting on kidney pie and Earl Grey tea when the phone rings:

"Master Spurlock, it is for you."

Homer listens intently for a while, then hangs up the phone.

"Any word on the fugitives, Master Spurlock?"

"I must go at once, Mr. Cottingham! Can you ring up my tab, please?"

* * *

Later that afternoon, at Furry's ranch:

"Where did he go, Furry?'

"I don't know, Homer! The last time I saw him he was crawling toward the hogs to get his lunch!"

"So you didn't untie him?"

"Nopers, his feet were tied together and his hands were tied behind his back! He was undulating like a wounded sidewinder!"

* * *

As they tour the massive caverns, Doc is amazed at the number of classrooms and lecture halls that are contained within its depths. The snaky cavern meanders for miles underground, with classrooms built into every nook and cranny.

"We have the top educators from around the world gathered here, awaiting your instructions, Dr. Mortyfarty. At your signal we will begin to flood the Texas public schools with top rate teachers who will teach history, science and current events!"

"I see you also have several thousand students here as well!"

"Yes, they have been taught history, science, and literature. We will disperse them among the schools to encourage other kids to learn!"

"Excellent, Hanibal, have the professors and the teachers assemble in the main cavern, and I will address them this evening."

* * *

"Homer?"

"What, Furry?"

"What's that?"

"What's what, Furry?"

"What's that over there?"

"You mean that over there?"

"Yes!"

"That's a bat, Furry!"

"It appears to have a note attached to its wing, Homer!"

"Quick, Furry, you must catch that bat, this communication must be of vital importance!"

"I can't catch no bat, Homer!"

"OK Furry, I will get it! Give me your compact and a flashlight!"

Homer opens the compact, shines the flashlight on the mirror, and directs the reflected light toward the bat. Confused, the bat alights on the ground at Homers feet. Homer removes the note. The bat flies away.

"That was awesome Homer!"

"Sedimentary, Furry, purely sedimentary! The reflected light from your compact confused the bats sonar!"

"What does light have to do with sound, Homer?"

"Forget it, Furry, it's over your head!"

"So what does it say, Homer?"

"I don't know, Furry, it flew away!"

"I meant the note, Homer!"

"Furry, a note is just some words on a piece of paper, it can't talk!"

"Ok, just read it to me, smarty-pants!"

"I am in a deep and huge cavern somewhere underground. I have discovered a huge plot to educate Texas schoolchildren! You must confer with the Governor at once! Signed Doc Shotgun, Acting Undercover Ranger."

"Furry, I must leave for Austin at once! This could mean disaster of unprecedented proportions!!"