Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

March 2010 · selected scenes

Salt on a Heron's Tail

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, the Queen of England embarked on a solo journey, the SWAP Team effectively held off the advance of the Knights of the Round Silo, but at a great cost to the maintenance of Texan Culture, and Homer Spurlock placed King Arthur under arrest.

* * *

"Doc?"

"What, Homer?"

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"What's that over there?"

"That's a heron, Homer!"

"It appears to have a note tied to its neck, Doc! Quick Doc, you must catch that heron! This is an urgent matter!"

"I can't catch no heron, Homer!"

"Why not, Doc?"

"Because a heron is a bird, and I can't fly!"

"Use this, Doc!"

"A salt shaker?"

"Yes, sprinkle salt on his tail and you can catch him!"

Doc sprinkles salt on the heron's tail and quickly removes the note. Doc then dusts the salt from the heron's tail, the heron flies away.

* * *

Later, we join Homer and Furry inside Furry’s barn:

"What do you want me to do with him, Homer?"

"Just keep him tied up and feed him a couple times a day!"

"Homer?"

"What, Furry?"

"I'm worried about Doc!"

"No need to worry, Furry, Doc is a Master of Stooge Fu! He studied with Masters Howard, Howard, Fine and Howard!"

* * *

Meanwhile, near the playground in the park:

"Homer?"

"What Doc?"

"How long do I have to stay in this cage?"

"Just until Hanibal comes to rescue you!"

"Do I have to wear this wig, and this dress?"

"Yes Doc, that is what Mortyfarty was wearing!"

"But it's so uncomfortable, and embarrassing!"

"Relax Doc, everyone thinks you are Mortyfarty!"

"What if Hanibal isn't fooled?"

"Doc, it is a brilliant disguise, I doubt he will catch on, and you can learn everything about Mortyfarty's criminal empire!"

"But if I don't fool him?"

"Take him into custody, Doc!"

* * *

The trial of Arthur Bardwell begins:

The courtroom is packed beyond capacity with reporters and spectators, leaving little room for the defendant, the defense, the district attorney, the bailiff, and the jurors. A hush falls over the excited throng as the bailiff announces:

"All rise for the Honorable Lonnie Clayfield!"

The crowd jumps to their feet, cheering, whistling, and clapping! Judge Lonnie bangs her gavel, and the crowd sits down. A respectful silence ensues:

"Is Dr. Kuurkenheimer prepared to give testimony?"

"Yes, Your Honor!"

Dr. Kuurkenheimer takes the stand and is sworn in. The District Attorney, Ned Bean, begins to question him:

"Please state your name and credentials."

"I am Doctor Theodophilus Inquisitus Kuurkenheimer, PhD, MD, DDS, NFL and SPCA! I am Dean of Aberrant Philosophy and Psychology at Sahuaro College!"

"You gave the defendant a thorough examination, did you not?"

"I did!"

"And what is your prognosis?"

"The defendant, Arthur Bardwell, suffers from Narcissistic Megalomania Complex, exacerbated by extreme paranoia, but the underlying cause is Dissociative Dialect Syndrome, caused by his inability to speak his native language!"

"Do you believe he can be cured, Doctor?"

"Certainly! Once he is retrained and is able to speak his native language, he will feel more in touch with his neighbors, and less dependent on grandiose manifestations!"

* * *

"Mr. Bardwell, you have been charged with inciting a riot and badmouthing elected officials! Do you wish to make a statement?"

Arthur Bardwell, AKA the Bard of Avalon, AKA King Arthur, stands before Judge Lonnie:

"O, the twists and turns of fate!
The opnin’ and closing of the gate!
The elevation of the Crown,
Cruel Fate hath brot swift tumblin’ down!
And yet there is no near surcease,
The burden of the innocent shall e'er increase!
And the families of sorrow e'er lament,
The lack of justice in government!
So was my effort useless spent?"

"Mr. Bardwell, you will be placed under house arrest until such time as the court is able to provide an interpreter!"

* * *

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"Where are you going?"

"Doc, the Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches and Varlets have obtained the clothing, tools and symbols of Texas Culture and are beginning to assimilate into the native population, thanks to the SWAP Team! And they are already having a detrimental impact on Texan Society!"

"How do you know Homer?"

"This morning, I saw an old Texan walking a bulldog. He was wearing a bowler and carrying an umbrella!"

* * *

Late that night...

"Dr. Mortyfarty! I'm here to spring you from that cage!"

"It's about time! Where have you been?"

"There are two Rangers chasing me! I was forced to take a detour!"

"Why are your clothes wet?"

"I managed to elude the Rangers by wading down Meandering Creek!"

"OK, Hanibal. Get me out of this cage fast, before the Rangers get here!"

* * *

Next morning, at Happy Jack’s Bully Cafe, Homer prepares for another day’s adventure:

"That sure was a good breakfast!"

"Indeed, sir, a bowl of kippers and a plate of fish and chips is the best way to start the day!"

"Yep, that sure is some fine grub! Can you give me three truffles to go, please?"

"Jolly well, sir, would you like another cup of tea?"

"No thank you, I am on the trail of some fugitives, time is of the essence!"

"Fugitives! My word! How exciting!"

"Yes, there are three busloads of Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches and Varlets running loose in these parts, and I must round them up before the Texan Culture becomes contaminated!"

"Good show, old chap! Tally Ho and all that! That will be six pounds, two shillings, please!"

"Here is my card, please call if you see any Englishmen running around!"

"Will do! Tata, y’all!!!"