Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

February 2010 · selected scenes

The SWAP Team

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, E led a Top Secret mission to rescue the Queen of England. King Arthur, thinking that the Queen was confined to the environs of a primitive iron cage, organized a rescue attempt, with Homer Spurlock the only Ranger standing between the Knights of the Round Silo and the Blooming Grove Greater Downtown Business District:

"Have you made all the necessary arrangements, Mayor?"

“Yes Homer, the Police Department is guarding the cage in the park near the playground, and I have deployed the SWAP Team to guard the city limits!"

* * *

Two riders, wearing salvage sports equipment as armor, approach the SWAP Team. Sir JimBob is overwhelmed by the amazing array of used goods that line the side of the road! He quickly trades his catchers vest and shin-pads for a home gym, two lamps, a microwave, and a welder with 100 foot leads!! Sir DeWayne makes some similarly shrewd trades! Elated, they ride like the wind to rejoin the main body of Knights!

* * *

When word of Sir JimBob's shrewd trades is circulated among the Knights, there is a near mutiny as their desire to trade the gullible local vendors, this so called SWAP team, out of their valuables, overwhelms them! When word reaches King Arthur, he wisely calls a meeting of all the Knights:

"Brave and Noble Knights, in this dark hour, when all hope of success is dependent on loyalty and unity of purpose, we all must remain vigilant! Do you not see that this SWAP team is there solely to disarm you? I shall now be forced to deal diplomatically for the Queen's release!"

* * *

Although the Knights are forbidden to trade with the local SWAP team, the Serfs, Varlets, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches, and Vassals are under no such constraint, and they are soon outfitted with the clothes, tools and symbols of Texas Culture!

The SWAP team has taken on the appearance of the cast of a Charles Dickens novel!

* * *

Having exchanged envoys, a meeting is held between King Arthur and Homer Spurlock:

"So do you believe me now?"

"Forsooth! What treachery is this?! In yon cage sits not Her Majesty, but that vile fiend Mortyfarty! Where is the Queen?"

"She was kidnapped by Mortyfarty's accomplice!"

"Kidnapped! But why?"

"Mortyfarty impersonated her in an attempt to steal the Crown of King Arthur!"

"Yea, verily that scoundrel hath schemed without pause to gain possession of the Crown! We must save the Queen!"

"She is safe! She has been rescued by E, and will soon be back in Blooming Grove!"

"E!! Did he not arrest the Queen?"

"E is a Secret Undercover Ranger! He immediately knew he had not stopped the Queen of England, but an impostor! So he placed him under arrest and stuck him in this cage! In fact, it was E who ascertained the plot to gain possession of the Crown, and then led a perilous rescue mission!!"

"I fear I have done this gallant and noble servant of the people a most grievous wrong, having made judgment based on partial evidence! I fear I am unworthy of the Crown!"

"Your name is Arthur Bardwell! You are not a King, we don't have royalty in Texas, except for a few who retire here from other parts of the world! And there is only one man in Texas who has earned the right to be called King, and that is E, the King of Police!"

"Verily it is so!"

"I hereby, by authority of the Great State of Texas, do order you to disperse this proletarian rabble, disband your Knights of the Round Silo, and surrender to me right here in 24 hours, where you will be placed under arrest for inciting a riot and badmouthing elected officials!"

* * *

It is a starry, starry night the moon nowhere in sight the campfire shining bright when a silhouette we sight which in dance doth seem delight and in song it doth incite the ancient goodness to reside here. And near the perimeter of the light a wafting odor doth excite the attention of Nacho Burro, and of course also the famished Royal Cargo:

"Would that be nachos We are smelling?"

* * *

Also in that issue, from Diggy

My baby changed my life / I want you all to know / I used to dine on slugs and snails / And now it's escargot!