Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

January 2010 · selected scenes

Beefeaters Over the Thicket

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, Mr. Itamoru got a residential makeover, E arrested the Queen, or did he? Or was she abducted by Mortyfarty's accomplice? And where is Mortyfarty?

* * *

The next day:

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"What's that noise?"

"What's what noise?"

"What's that buzzing noise over here?"

"That's a Western Diamondback, Doc, a really big one!!"

"How can you tell, Homer?"

"I can see it, Doc, you nearly stepped on it!
Don't move!"

"Is that what I think it is, Homer?"

"Do you mean that?"

"No, that in its mouth!"

"Oh that!
It appears to be a note, Doc!"

"Why on earth would E use a rattlesnake?"

"This is an Extremely Urgent Top Secret Message of the Utmost Importance!!
Quick, Doc, you must get that note!!"

"There ain't no way I'm gonna touch that rattlesnake!!"

"OK, Doc, stand still!"

Homer moves to within 20 feet of the rattlesnake, removes his Stetson and begins to wave it in front of the snake. The snake strikes at the hat, stretching its entire body in the air. Homer grabs the snake behind its head, placing his thumb and forefinger on either side of its jaw at the hinge, forcing the mouth open. Homer puts his Stetson back on his head, then gently removes the note from the snakes fangs. Homer then lays the snake gently on the ground. The rattlesnake slithers away:

"Wow, Homer! That was awesome!"

"Antebellum Doc, purely antebellum!"

* * *

"So what does Headquarters say, Homer?"

"I don't know, Doc, I'm not there, I'm here with you!"

"I meant in the note, Homer!"

"In the note, Doc? The note is flat, therefore....".

"OK,OK!
What do they say ON the note?"

"Obviously they don't say anything, but I won't go into that right now!
I will simply share with you some of the words which were written on the note."

"Please do!"

Headquarters has confirmed that the Queen of England has been kidnapped!

Mortyfartys assistant, Hanibal, picked her up at the airport!

Later, he used his credit card to buy a huge amount of tortilla chips, refried beans, cheese, and jalapenos! The store where he bought them is on the edge of the Bedford Mesquite Thicket. E is leading an extraction team of three Rangers and eight Beefeaters!

"Three Rangers! This is huge!"

"Yes, Doc, and that's not all!!
Many of the Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches and Varlets have found their way to the Round Silo and are petitioning King Arthur to break the Queen out of jail!"

"But the Queen isn't in the jail!"

"No, she isn't!
We have Mortyfarty locked up there, but if the Englishmen find out their Queen has been kidnapped, there could be a riot!"

* * *

Somewhere above the depths of the Bedford Mesquite Thicket:

"OK Forrest, we should be near the drop zone!"

"Yes, E, I see Mortyfarty's Jeep in that clearing over there!"

"We will drop the Beefeaters here, then drop the Ranger Commandos on the other side of the clearing!"

The Beefeaters are lifted by the Ranger Commandos one by one and dropped from the balloons' basket..... They parachute softly to the ground, where they remain standing rigidly at attention!

* * *

Outside the Round Silo, a huge gathering of Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches and Varlets anxiously await news of the meeting being held inside.

Inside the Round Silo, King Arthur reclines majestically in his LazyKing chair, whilst Sir JimBob addresses the new Knights in the audience. Once Sir JimBob has obtained all their addresses, he begins to speak:

"Distinguished, brave and chivalrous Knights, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you that great and noble Champion of the People!!
Formerly known as the Bard of Avalon, put your hands together and make some noise for the Once and Future King!!
Gentle Knights, I give you King Arthur!!!!"

King Arthur rises majestically from his LazyKing chair and approaches the podium to thundrous applause!!

A hush falls over the crowd as he begins to speak:

"Brave Knights, a woeful throng of assorted peasantry hath gathered here to petition that a grievous wrong, perpetrated by that cruel instrument of despotism, that swaggering rhinestone martinet, be righted!!!
Drest in a little brief authority, this malinformed agent of municipal greed and gluttony hath unjustly imprisoned our bright and shining star!
How then can men of good conscience stand idly by?
Shall we meekly abide, whilst Her Majesty doth languish in a cage unfit for a beast?
Nay!
This shall not be!
We shall wrest the power from the strangling grasp of those shadowy figures who direct the performance of such travesties!
I therefore direct the Knights of the Round Silo to take into custody E, his associates, and those who empower their villainous acts!
No longer shall the people be victimized and abused by those who are charged to be their guardians!!!

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere inside the cavernous Blooming Grove City Hall:

"Homer, I sure am glad you are here!!"

"Thank you Mayor, but it is my duty to be here!"

"There is almost certain to be a riot, Homer!!
When will the rest of the Rangers get here?"

"Every Ranger in North Central Southern East Texas is on a Top Secret Mission right now!"

"Both of them?!!"

"Yep, and they're being lead by Secret Undercover Ranger E!!"

"Three Rangers!!
This is huge!"

"Yep!!"

"But now you are the only Ranger here!"

"Relax, Mayor, there's only one riot!!!"

* * *

That night:

"Homer!"

"What, Doc?"

"What's that?"

"What's what, Doc?"

"What's that over there?"

"That's a skunk, Doc."

"Is that a note around it's neck?"

"Yes Doc!
Quick Doc, grab that skunk!"

"Absolutely no way am I ever going to bother a skunk, Homer!
I think you better catch it!"

"Well, Doc, I have a hunch what the note says. I think maybe we don't need to disturb the skunk.!"

"What do you mean, Homer?"

"Ranger Headquarters called me on the phone!"

"Isn't that a breach of security?"

"Yes, but this is an extremely urgent matter and circumstance dictates a bit of flexibility on the part of the Rangers!"

"So what did they tell you on the phone, Homer?"

"E and the Commandos nearly captured Hanibal, but he escaped by running past the Beefeaters!
There were burro tracks all around, along with the tracks of a huge man wearing Mexican sandals!
The tracks indicate that the burro arrived with a heavy load, then departed with a slightly less heavy load, accompanied by the man in sandals!
The Commandos are tracking Hanibal, and E is tracking the burro!!"

"But where is the Queen, Homer?"

"I can't be sure Doc, but I have a hunch she is on that burro!"

* * *

Next Day:

"Ranger Spurlock!"

"You can call me Homer, Mayor.
That's Homer, not Homer Mayor, Mayor!"

"Thanks for clearing that up, Homer!"

"So, what can I do for you?"

"There is an angry mob of peasants just outside the city limits and they are headed this way!!!
And they are being led by King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Silo!!!"