Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

December 2009 · selected scenes

The Queen Comes to Town

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, the Knights of the Round Silo broke up a chicken fight, and raided a crack farm. Martyfarty's assistant, Hanibal, infiltrated the Knights, gained King Arthurs trust, and managed to steal the Crown.

"Did you get the old brass lamp shade back from the cleaners?"

"Yes, Dr. Mortyfarty."

"OK, Hanibal, take it to King Arthur, and I will keep the Crown!"

* * *

Later...

"Did you make the swap, Hanibal?"

"Yes, Dr. Mortyfarty, he doesn't suspect a thing!"

"How do you know that?"

"Because he's wearing it!"

* * *

Later, at the Round Silo:

"Sir Hanibal, thou art truly an elegant speaker. A man of great wit, resource and courage!"

"Thank you my Lord, King Arthur!"

"However thine eloquence fails to hide the blackness in thine heart, thine wit is sufficient only to delude thine own self, and thine courage hast brought thee disaster!"

"My King, I know not what it is of which thou speaketh!"

"Didst thou think for a moment that a false Crown would rest easily upon the head of the King?"

"O, that."

"Yea, that!"

* * *

A few days later:

"Dr. Mortyfarty! Thank you for rescuing me!"

"You are my righthand man, Hanibal, you are indispensable!"

"But you had to give King Arthur the real Crown to get me back!"

"Yes, a steep price to pay, Hanibal, but I have a plan to get it back!"

"But how, Dr. Mortyfarty? When the Queen of England gets to Blooming Grove, he is going to give it to her, then we will never get it!"

* * *

That evening:

"OK, Hanibal, you understand the plan now, right?"

"Yes Dr. Mortyfarty. Since the Queen does not know I am no longer Sir Hanibal, she will not suspect a thing!"

"Precisely! You will meet her at Mertens International Airport and pretend to be taking her to a meeting with King Arthur!"

"Then I take her deep into the Bedford Mesquite Thicket, right Dr.?"

"Yes, that's the plan! Get into your dress armour, Sir Hanibal!"

"I must say your disguise is brilliant, Dr. Mortyfarty, except...."

"Except what, Hanibal?"

"Don't you think you should shave?"

* * *

"Your Majesty, Sir Hanibal is here to escort you to the Round Silo for a meeting with King Arthur! For security reasons, King Arthur is providing a double to ride in the Procession in your place!"

* * *

"Omer?"

"What, Princess?"

"Can you get the daybed out of storage, please?"

"So she is staying with us?"

"Yes, Omer, she is my cousin, I don't want her to stay in a motel!"

"OK Princess, she can stay here, but the rest of her Royal Retinue will have to bunk somewhere else!"

* * *

A long procession of Rolls Royce, Bentley, and Kia limousines wind their way slowly toward Blooming Grove. Near the middle of the line of vehicles is a fine carriage, covered with gilt and precious jewels, and pulled by 12 fine horses. As the procession passes through Frost, a pair of cherries appear atop a vintage Cadillac:

"May I see your license and registration, Ma'am?"

"We do not have a drivers licence, nor do We require registration for Our carriage!"

"Are you sassin' me, Ma'am?"

"We are the Queen of England!!!"

"I am the King of Police!! And you are under arrest!!!"

* * *

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"What's that over there?"

"You mean that over there?"

"Yes, what is it, Homer?"

"Oh that, that's an armadillo, Doc!"

"I know it's an armadillo, Homer, but what is that taped to it's shell?"

"It appears to be a note Doc! Quick Doc! You must catch that armadillo, this is an urgent matter!"

"I can't catch no armadillo, Homer!"

"OK Doc, just stand still a couple of minutes."

Homer walks over to the armadillos burrow, removes his Stetson, and places it crown-first into the entrance. Homers backs off a few feet:

"OK, Doc. Now you work your way around behind him and chase him this way!"

Doc slips up behind the armadillo. The armadillo runs into Homers Stetson. Homer removes the note from the armadillos shell, the armadillo from his hat, and his hat from the entrance to the armadillos burrow. He places his hat on his head. The armadillo runs away.

"That was awesome, Homer!"

"PreColumbian, Doc, Purely Pre-Columbian!"

"So what does the note say, Homer?"

"You know what Doc, if this note took speech lessons for a hundred years it still would never say a word, because its just a note, and a note is just some words written on a piece of paper, and while these words may be read aloud, preferably by a person with good diction as well as the ability to pronounce them properly, and at least a modicum of feeling for the thoughts and ideas they are meant to convey, there is of course no guarantee that the true meaning will ever become clear to he who reads them aloud, or to those who may listen!"

"Thanks for clearing that up, Homer!"

"Elemental, Doc, elemental!"

"So what feelings did the note convey to you Homer?"

"Feelings of chaos, deception, and impending disaster!"

"Huh?"

"E has arrested the Queen of England!"

"WOW!"

"And you know what that means!"

"He put her in the cage in the park in Blooming Grove, next to the playground?"

"YEP!"

"So are we going to let her loose?"

"Not right now, Doc, we have other matters to tend to!"

"Like what?"

"The Queen's Procession included three busloads of Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches, and Varlets. The procession got lost because someone took all the signs that marked the route! The Procession wound up in the Trinity River bottom, where all the Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches and Varlets have escaped!"

"Escaped?"

"They were to be presented to King Arthur as part of the Exchange Ceremony!"

"But they were not prisoners, they were free people!"

"Yes, but only as free as Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Waifs, Wenches, and Varlets can be, which ain't much!"

"You can't blame them for wanting to be Texans, Homer!"

"No, Doc, but there is a great risk of social contamination!"

* * *

"Omer?"

"What, Princess?"

"Would you carry this tray over to the park for me, please?"

"I'm watching tv, can I do it later?"

"No, Omer, it's 4 o'clock. Tea time!

* * *

Later:

"Did you and the Queen have a nice tea party, Princess?"

"Considering she was locked in that little cage, not too bad. Except..."

"Except what, Princess?"

"Except she is not my cousin!!!"

"Are you sure, Princess?"

"She has an Adams Apple! And a moustache! She's an impostor!! You must tell your friend, Homer Spurlock!"

* * *

It is a moonless night, the stars are big and bright, and deep in the heart of the biggest mesquite thicket on the planet, there is a small clearing. In this clearing, a couple of people sit near a campfire:

"Would you like some nachos, Your Majesty?"

"We shall never accept sustenance from Our abductor!"

"Relax, Your Queenness, we will let you go as soon as King Arthur gives Dr. Mortyfarty the Crown!"

"You mean this Crown?"

"Yes, that Crown! How did you get it?"

"We received it by post, the Exchange Ceremony is a mere formality!"