Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

November 2009 · selected scenes

The Knights of the Round Silo

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, Doc met a Civil War veteran. Princess Poi-Poi Mahi Mahi got a nice old Jaguar. Arthur Bardwell found the Crown of King Arthur.

"The bright side, Doc?"

"At least we know where the crown is!"

"Yes, but now we have our greatest challenge ever!"

"Because of the Knights?"

"Yep!!"

"I think they mean well, Homer."

"Of course they do Doc, but they are leaning toward vigilantism; it seems only a matter of time before they take the law into their own hands! We must find a way to stop King Arthur and disband his Knights of the Round Silo!!"

* * *

Inside the Round Silo, somewhere near Avalon, a meeting is being held. King Arthur speaks to his Knights:

"Greetings and fair health to all those here assembled!! I see our Knights are a goodly number; hearty, stout, and strict to the cause! We are brothers, bound to honor and honor's sake!................(more boring faux Shakespearian lingo tossed in for effect upon his spellbound audience).............. Have a seat gentlemen, Sir Dewayne will address you now."

King Arthur has a seat in his LazyKing chair, and Sir Dewayne walks to the podium and addresses the Knights. Once he has obtained all their adresses, he starts talking to them:

"Sir Waldo and Sir JimBob have reported there is to be a big chickenfight this Saturday night! We are going to put a stop to it!! All Knights report here at 7 p.m. Saturday, mounted, in full armour!!"

* * *

A huge barn is surrounded by luxury cars, many of them bearing bumper stickers such as "United Landlords Association" or "Power and Water Barons Society".

Inside there is a huge buffet, and the bleachers are full of spectators. There is a rodeo arena with a boxing ring set up in the middle. In the middle of the ring stands a very scared man, stripped to the waist. He is wearing a pair of boxing gloves. An announcement is made over the PA:

"George Elliot paid his power bill late on 3 occasions last year, and is currently behind on his rent by two weeks!! He has agreed to fight in exchange for waving his late fees. Are you ready to RRRRRRRRRUUUUMMMMMMM MBBBLLLLEEEEE!!!!!!!!!???"

Into the ring struts Pedro Pollo, five time State Champion Boxing Bantam!! He is wearing tiny boxing gloves on his feet........the bell rings and George runs around the ring, frantically trying to escape from Pedro!

But Pedro can fly, and he continually cuts him off. Finally, George is too exhausted to run. Pedro closes in......................................

Suddenly, the gate is opened, and a group of horsemen in homemade armour; football shoulder pads, shin guards, etc., and wearing Resistols or baseball caps, bursts into the arena, dispersing around the perimeter of the arena, facing the audience.

Pedro flies into the bleachers, boxing everyone he can catch!! A lone rider approaches George, then addresses the crowd. Once he is finished, he begins to speak:

"By edict of King Arthur of Avalon: Be it known that your dark pursuits will no longer be tolerated!! King Arthur is a man of the people, and tyrants will be dealt with by the Knights of the Round Silo!!! Disperse and behold but a taste of the vengeance to be wrought upon evildoers!!"

All of the spectators rush to their vehicles, only to find that the air had been let out of all their tires!!!

* * *

"Sir Hanibal!! It suits you!"

"Thank you, Doctor Mortyfarty."

"Now that you have infiltrated the Knights of the Round Silo, it should be easy to steal the crown!"

"Twelve years of graduate study in ancient, mediaeval, and modern English literature, language and history have finally paid off!"

"King Arthur finally has someone to talk to, someone who understands him!"

"And he talks a lot!"

* * *

"Homer are you sure this is the place?"

"Yes Doc, this is it."

"Where are the knights?"

"They will be here soon. Hopefully, King Arthur will be here as well!"

"Why this place, Homer?"

"This is the most notorious crack farm in Navarro County Doc. In fact it is the very epicenter of the crack problem! King Arthur is anxious to rid the area of such contamination!"

"Yep, Homer the crack problem is pretty bad! I suppose something must be done about it!"

"Yes, Doc, it has spread far and near, from this very spot!"

"I hear horses, Homer, and the clanging sound of salvage sports equipment!"

"The knights are here, we can soon spring our trap!"

A group of around 30 mounted knights assembles in front of the crack farm. At a signal from Sir Waldo, they dismount and surround the farm. At another signal, they let out a rebel yell and run toward the farmhouse. One by one they disappear into the huge cracks that crisscross the farm!!

"Now we will pull them out and place them in custody, Doc!"

"But what about the crack problem, Homer?"

"A good rainstorm will fix it, Doc!"

* * *

"Homer!"

"What, Doc?"

"What's that over there?"

"What's what over where, Doc?"

"THERE!"

"Oh, that! That's a tortoise, Doc!"

"It appears to have a note taped to it's shell!"

"Quick Doc, catch that tortoise! This must be of vital importance!!"

"OK, no problem, Homer!"

"What does it say?"

"The note, Homer? It's a note and a note...."

"NO, the tortoise!"

"Put me down!"

"So, Homer, are you going to read the note out loud?"

"No Doc, E has a new secretary, and she is extremely longwinded!"

"How did you deduce these fact's Homer?"

"Pleistocene, Doc, purely Pleistocene! Her instructions were so voluminous, a Galapogos Tortoise was required to carry them!"

"I see! A domestic tortoise would have been crushed under the load!"

* * *

"So, here is a brief synopsis: The lab reports on the hair sample we obtained from Arthur Bardwell are 97.2% certain that he is a direct decendant of King Arthur!"

"WOW!"

"You can say that again, Doc!"

"WOW!! WOW!!!" WOW!!!!

"OK, that's enough."

* * *

Two weeks later:

"So is it true that the Queen of England is coming to Blooming Grove?"

"Yes, Doc. In exchange for the right to display the Crown of King Arthur in the Tower of London on Religious Holidays, and during Royal Affairs, the Queen has granted Arthur Bardwell a Fiefdom of his own, complete with Serfs, Vassals, Knaves, Wenches, and Varlets! He will be known as the Duke of Bardwell!"

"So he is moving to England?"

"Yes, and he is taking his knights with him!"

* * *

"Pull over here, Shorty."

"Pull what over where?"

"Pull this truck over on the shoulder there, next to that big sign."

Shorty maneuvers the unwieldy TEXDOLT truck onto the shoulder, hitting the sign as he does. Boss reads the sign out loud:

"Blooming Grove is Proud to Welcome Her Majesty the Queen of England!"

"That's a big, heavy sign, Boss!!"

"I think we have a leaner here!"

"Yep, Boss, it's a good 2 inches into the right of way!"

"Rip it up and throw it in the truck!"

"How about the rest of them? The parade route is 35 miles long!"

"The statute says we can take all related signs, if any are in violation."

"Then we sell them for scrap, right?"

"Right!"

"Boss, you are the smartest man I know!"

"I know, Shorty, I know!"

* * *

"Excellent Hanibal! How did you manage to get the Crown?"

"It was easy, Dr. Mortyfarty! I simply bribed Melvin the Conman, Arthurs closest advisor! Melvin told Arthur that the Crown's power would be increased tremendously by a professional cleaning, and Arthur told me to take it to the cleaners!"

"Hmmm....I wonder???!"

"Wonder what, Dr.?"

"If he plans to turn the Crown over to the Queen of England, why is he so concerned with its power?"

"He must be planning something!"

"YES, Hanibal, something BIG, something VERY BIG!!!"