Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

August 2009 · selected scenes

The Lampshade Caper

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

(In our third episode, Homer and Doc learned that the legendary lost crown of King Arthur may have been part of the secret government convoy that had vanished whilst its secret government scout languished in a cage in the park in Blooming Grove. Homer and Doc then tracked down the missing convoy, only to learn, via animal courier, that the convoy was a red herring (not a crappie). Furry Barham made a phone call.)

* * *

"Furry! How are you, darlin'?"

"I am fine Dr. Morty, what did you think of the faxes I sent?"

"I am astonished, amazed! Great work, girl. If I am able to recover the crown, there will be a huge reward for you!"

"Thank you Dr. Morty, you are a very generous man."

"Furry, I need you to follow Spurlock, and report his activities to me. And try not to let him know you are there. I need the element of surprise."

"Oky doky Dr."

* * *

"Hello, Mrs. Gargantuan, my name is Homer Spurlock, and this is my pard Doc Shotgun."

"Oh my, you are so famous, I never thought I would get to meet you!"

"Well, I retired years ago, I am a private investigator now."

"Good for you, what was your name again?"

"Homer Spurlock."

"Well, I guess it must be a great thrill to pal around with Doc Shotgun, the owner of the best Pro Double Barrel Racing Circuit Team in Texas!!"

"Why thank you ma'am! I worked hard to make Double Barrel Racing the most exciting sport in rodeo!!"

"Yes I remember the very first time I went to see Doc Shotguns Double Barrel Racing as a child! What excitement as the two riders broke out of the gate in unison, then broke for opposite barrels, before racing for the final barrel and back to the gate! Doc, I remember it was the Barham Sisters who won that day. Do they still ride for you?"

"Yep, they are still my star attraction."

* * *

(outside, on the sidewalk after a nice chat with Mrs. Gargantuan, pronounced gar-gun-TWAN, it's French)

"Homer?"

"What Doc?"

"What did you find out?"

"The "lamp shade" was sold in a box lot with some old ribbons and a broken parasol."

"How will we ever find it Homer?"

"Kindergarten, Doc. It was bought by the people who own that antique store over there."

"What antique store over where?"

"That one right there by the police station."

"Oh, that one over there."

"Yes, that's it."

* * *

(Homer walks into the antique store; Doc stays outside and keeps a sharp lookout for spies.)

"Hi, did you purchase a box lot from Gargantuan auction last Saturday?"

"Yes, my wife wanted the ribbon for some dolls she is making."

"OK, I guess you don't want to sell the ribbon then. How about this?"

"That old lamp shade? It's old and beat up, practically worthless. I'll take $3 for it."

(Homer purchases the lamp shade, goes outside to show it to Doc. Across the street, a mysterious cowgirl is taking pictures.)

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"I was just thinking...."

"Thinking, what Doc?"

"Well, since we are right next to the police station, would it be ok if I meet E? You know I am a huge fan."

* * *

(Homer knocks on a door marked King of Police. The door opens and there stands the King himself, complete with sunglasses and a navy blue spandex suit, encrusted with rhinestones.)

"Welcome Homer, is that Doc Shotgun with you?"

"Yep, E, he is dying to meet you."

"Howdy Doc, it is a pleasure to finally meet the famous Doc Shotgun. You boys go ahead and take a seat."

"Wow!"

"Wow what, Doc?"

"Is that a Golden Badge Award?"

"Yes Doc, I got that four years ago, when I wrote my one millionth ticket. I expect to go Platinum in about 6 months."

"You are truly the King, E."

"I know, Doc, I know."

"E?"

"What Doc?"

"I always wondered, what made you give up your career, and take a job as a policeman here in Frost?"

"Doc, it was like this, one day I woke up and I realized I had spent half my life signing things for other people, and I decided to spend the second half of my life getting people to sign things for me."

* * *

(That night)

"Homer, why are we out in your pasture at night with these shovels?"

"We are going to bury this old lampshade right over there."

"What lampshade over where?"

"The one I bought today. We will bury it just on the other side of this rise."

(In the distance, a mounted cowgirl is taking photos with a telescopic lens.)

* * *

(One week later, a phone rings.)

“Oxford University. Department of Arthurian Relics and Literature."

"Hello, is Dr. Sparrowsbreath in? I am calling for Dr. Martyfarty of Saguaro College."

"Sparrow here, it is good to hear from you, Dr. Mortyfarty."

"Sparrow old friend, I have some great news for you! I am faxing you some photos and documents. You and the rest of your Oxford colleagues need to shake a leg, I have found King Arthurs crown, I know where it is buried!"

(Dr. Sparrow peruses the faxes, and pauses to view one photo)

"Is that a picture of the famous Doc Shotgun?"

"Yes but look closer, look at the man beside him, and what he has in his hands."

"The crown! By Jove I do believe he's got it!"

"Yes, you must organize an anthropological expedition at once!"

* * *

(Two weeks later, after a Double Barrel Racing event, Doc and Homer are joined by the lovely 6 time Double Barrel Racing CoChampion, Furry Barham.)

"Hi Furry, How are you, and how is your sister?"

"Fine and fine, Homer. Nice to see you."

"Another fine performance. Old Wrangler is still the finest Double Barrel racing horse on the circuit."

"Thank you, Homer, but my sisters new horse, Alkyhol, is holding his own."

"Yes, that girl can ride."

"Furry, did he get the photos?"

"Did who get what photos, Homer?"

"Did Mortfarty get the photos of the documents at the archives, and of me on the sidewalk with the lamp shade, and the photos of me and Doc burying it in my pasture?"

"Oh, those photos."

"Yes, those photos, did Mortyfarty get them?"

"Yep!"

"Is he giving you a big reward for this?"

"You bet yer boots he is, Homer!"

"I hope you spend it wisely, Furry."

"I will, Homer, I will."

"Furry?"

"What Doc?"

"Have you really been spying on us?"

"Yes Doc."

"How come I didn't recognize you? You've been riding for me for years."

"Because Dr. Morty gave me this clever disguise. (she shows Doc a pair of glasses with a fake nose and moustache)

* * *

8 months later:

"Them Oxford fellers sure are making a mess out of your pasture, Homer!"

"Yes Doc, they have been at it for months."

"Do you think they will ever find it, Homer?"

"Not if we keep moving it."

* * *

(Two more months pass)

"Homer?"

"What Doc?"

"Whats that?"

"What's what, Doc?"

"What's that over there?"

"You mean that, over there?"

"Yes."

"That's a cat, Doc."

"It appears to have a note tied to its collar, Homer."

"Yes Doc, this message must be of vital importance! Quick Doc, grab the cat!"

"No way I can catch that cat Homer, it's too dark out here!"

"Ok, Doc, guess I have to get the note."

"How, Homer?"

"Purdy, come here purdy, sweet little Purrrrrrrdy!"

(The cat walks slowly over to Homer. Homer removes the note, the cat rolls over on its back.)

"That was amazing, Homer!"

"Primordial, Doc, purely primordial! You see, Purdy is Furry Barhams cat."

"Is it from E?"

"No Doc, the Rangers do not use domestic animal couriers, only feral ones."

"I meant the note, Homer."

"No, the note is from Furry."

"Furry the spy, who used to work for me?"

"Yep!"

"Well what does it say, Homer?"

"I'm gonna forget you asked me that and just read it to you, ok, Doc?"

"Huh?"

"Homer, Mortyfarty has arrived on the scene. Me and Old Wrangler will meet you in the pasture at midnight. Signed, Furry"

* * *

"Homer, I don't understand. She spied on us, took pictures, sent them to Mortyfarty. Now she's coming here at midnight? What is she up to?"

"Doc, Furry is on our side, trust me. We are going to catch Mortyfarty tonight!!!"

* * *

"Hi Homer, hi Doc!"

"Hi Furry!'

"Are you boys ready to ride?"

"We sure are, Furry! Homer and I both have a full tank in our Vespas!"

"Old Wrangler is ready too!"

* * *

"There they are Homer!! Take a look through my infrared binoculars."

"Thank you Furry, I dropped mine in the Trinity. Yep that's them all right, and they have found the lampshade."

"Mortyfarty never intended to let those Oxford folks have the crown, did he Homer?"

"No Doc, he hired Furry to keep track of us, and she sent him a photo of us reburying it last night."

"Why, Homer? I thought Furry was on our side, but she helped Mortyfarty!"

* * *

"Let's go Doc, Furry! We have got to catch Mortyfarty!"

* * *

"Doctor Mortyfarty! It's Homer Spurlock and Doc Shotgun! And there's a woman riding with them on horseback! They will be here in a couple minutes, they are riding the Bad Motor Scooters!"

"Furry! That doublecrosser! She must have found out I don't intend to pay her!"

"Quick Hanibal, get in the Jeep!"

* * *

(A long chase ensues. Up a tall hill, and down the other side. As our villains reach the crest of the hill, they spot the helicopter that awaits them across a wide pasture. Down the hill they go, until they come to the construction. The road suddenly deadends. There is a barricade consisting of three old barrels and a plank across a couple of sawhorses. There is a deep, wide ditch across the road, and sheer cliffs on either side. Mortyfarty brings the Jeep to a screeching halt.)

"What will we do, Dr.? We can't get to the helicopter and they will be here any minute!"

"Calm down, Hanibal. We have plenty of time."

"We do?"

"Yes Hanibal, we do. Grab that plank off the sawhorses, and lay it across the ditch!"

'Good. Now roll the barrels across."

"Good. Now carry me across."

"Good. Now pull the plank over on this side."

"Wow, Dr. Mortyfarty, you are the most brilliant man I know!"

"I know, Hanibal, I know!"

* * *

"The helicopter isn't very far away, Dr., we can walk there easily."

"I am afraid we will have to run, Hanibal."

"Homer and Doc can't get across that ditch."

"No, but Old Wrangler can!! Grab that that barrel and carry it over there!"

"Grab what barrel and carry it over where?"

"Grab that barrel and carry it over there."

"This one?"

"No."

"Is it this one?"

"No, the one in the middle."

"Oh, you mean this one!"

"Yes, put it over there."

"Good. Now put this one over there."

"This one?"

"No, the other one."

"You must mean this one!"

"Yes, put it over there."

"Over where?"

"There!!!"

"Oh."

"We are running out of time!"

"I thought you said we had plenty of time!"

"We would have if you could follow directions."

"I did everything you told me to."

"Quick!!!! Grab the barrel and follow me."

"Grab what barrel?"

"Grab the only barrel left!"

"Oh."

* * *

"Looks like the end of the line for me and Doc. It's up to you now Furry!"

"Don't worry Homer, Old Wrangler can catch them!"

(Old Wrangler and Furry easily jump the ditch and take pursuit at a full gallop, Furry with her lasso in the air, when out of the corner of his eye, Old Wrangler spots a barrel off to his left. He veers toward the barrel, cuts tight around it, races for the next barrel. Hanibal drops the barrel he is carrying and flees toward the helicopter a few paces behind Dr. Mortyfarty. Old Wrangler rounds the second barrel, then the last barrel, heads forward at a full gallop, leaps across the ditch, and comes to a screeching halt by Homer and Doc.)

"Well Homer, what was my time?"

(The helicopter carrying Dr. Mortyfarty and his evil accomplice, Hanibal, rises in the distance)

* * *

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"How come you have caught four crappie, and I can't get a bite."

"You're holding your mouth wrong, Doc."

"How should I hold it, Homer?"

"Well, if you would hold it with just one hand, you could use the other for fishing."

"Like, this, Homer?"

"That looks kind of awkward, Doc, but you just got a bite."

"Homer?"

"What, Doc?"

"I was just thinking."

"Thinking what, Doc."

"About this nice fishing hole those Oxford boys dug us. How big is this tank, Homer?"

"It's 73 acres, Doc."

"Them Oxford fellers sure did a good job."

"Yep Doc, they sure did, considering they dug it with teaspoons and toothbrushes."

* * *

"Why do they call him the Crazy Hermit, Homer?"

"Doc, he inherited a fortune, but he spends his money rescuing animals and taking care of them."

"What kind of animals?"

"All kinds, wild and domestic."

"Why Homer?"

"He says it is because they are all God's creatures and are meant to be happy, healthy and safe, and that until mankind treats them that way, mankind will never be at peace with itself."

"Wow Homer, he's really deep!"

"Yes Doc, he's so deep, he's down there by himself."