Tom Moore · DiggyDog · Homer Spurlock & Doc Shotgun

August 2010 · selected scenes

Sixty-Three Days in the Cage

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

In our last episode, Blooming Grove survived a devastating earthquake, the population of Hippytopia exploded, the Knights of the Round Silo were officially disbanded, and E won the Willie Nelson Impersonators Competition yet again! We now rejoin our heroes at the cage in the park near the playground:

"Dr. Mortyfarty, I brought a tarp to put over your cage, it should provide a little shade."

"Thanks a lot, Spurlock, it's only been 63 days!!"

"I've been busy. Are you boys ready to talk?"

"I'll talk, Ranger Spurlock!"

"Shut up, Hanibal, he wants to talk to me!"

* * *

A top secret meeting of ravenous wolves, who through the purchase of thrift store clothing and cheap wigs, have managed to infiltrate and politically dominate the peaceful community of Hippytopia:

"OK here is what we will do. When we are incorporated as a town, I will be Mayor, Dippy Doodah will be Chief of Police, Paramahansa Yogi will be Judge!! We get a few buddies to act as police officers, then we set up speed traps on the state highway! Also, we should be able to rack up a fortune on code violations! In no time at all we will all be stinking rich, and there is nothing anyone can do about it!"

"What about the Texas Rangers?"

"Do you think they have time to check every crooked municipality in the state? Even if they do, the worst that would happen is one or two of us will be asked to retire, we will still run our operation through proxies!"

"How about the citizens, won't they resist?"

"Resist what? Enforcing the law? No, I don't think so! Anyone who dares speak out will be subjected to massive harassment, all quite legal on the surface! Besides, this type of legalized piracy is the norm in Texas, rather than the exception!"

"What about the election?"

"If the people are sufficiently cowed by our abuse of authority, they won't bother to vote! Even if they do vote, we will be their only choices!"

"What if someone honest runs for office?"

"The chances of an honest man or woman running for public office are practically zero! If an honest person should run for office, we will bankrupt him with citations, and use those citations as proof he is unfit for public office!"

"It sounds like a great plan, but what if the people get wise to us?"

"Don't worry about that! These are hippies! They believe in peace, love, brotherhood! They are kind and gentle! Easy pickings!!"

* * *

The Northeast Southern Central Navarro County Mayors Association has an emergency meeting. Beldar Mayhew, newly elected Mayor of Frost, has the floor:

"A crisis of great proportions is upon us! Our sources tell us that once Hippytopia is incorporated, they plan to set up a speed trap on the state highway! They will be harassing our residents and cutting into our revenue!"

"A grave crisis indeed! What do you propose we do?"

"Our greatest hope lies in our greatest hero! Gentlemen and Lady Mayors, I give you the one and only, the recipient of the Platinum Badge Award for Citations, His Royal Majesty, King E!"

A huge standing ovation for King E, as all eight mayors cheer for their hero!

"Thank you, thank you very much!"

King E stands majestically at the podium, dressed in his most resplendent rhinestone studded dress uniform! He is wearing rhinestone encrusted sunglasses, and a purple cape, with his Royal Motto "Tickets Are My Business" emblazoned on it!! On his head rests the Crown of King Arthur!!

"Gentlemen and Lady Mayors, I have a plan to deal with this menace…..

* * *

As her last official act before abdicating the throne, the Queen of England is bestowing Knighthood on Bubba Grande for heroically rescuing her from the clutches of the evil Dr. Mortyfarty and his henchman Hanibal.

Bubba Grande stands before the Queen.

The Queen is holding a gleaming Colt pistol, built especially for Her Majesty, and named XLV Calibre, a direct descendent of, forged from the steel of the famous sword of King Arthur, X Calibre.

The Queen addresses Bubba Grande:

"Kneel Bubba Grande!"

Bubba Grande kneels before the Queen. The Queen steps forward and touches the barrel of XLV Calibre to each of Bubba Grandes shoulders then a slight tap on the head:

"Rise Sir Bubba Grande!"