Tom Moore · Blooming Grove · DiggyDog

A true tall tale · July 2011

Lulu

By Tom Moore, writing as DiggyDog

Hi Robert, this is a true story excerpted from my yet, perhaps never, to be written memoirs. If you find it worthy of newsprint, please consider it my latest submission.Tom's note with the story, 2011

The year is 1977 and I am new to California, transferred to work on a new heavy commercial project my company is doing in L.A., the Bonaventure Hotel. My first weekend, I get together with a native Californio named Chuck, who is going to show me around Southern Cal. Chuck has a lot of friends who work at Lion Country Safari, and he takes me there to meet them and enjoy the park. So we drive on the maintenance road, the one for employees only, from which they care for the animals. We come to a small parking lot where his friends are gathered. There is a large stone wall, with a large iron gate. The gate has bars. On the other side of the wall is a large concrete pad. At the end of the pad is a man made river, of sorts, with an island. On the pad by the gate is Lulu, a juvenile Hippopotamus.

The caretakers were having a good time insulting me and the Great State of Texas and the more they talked the sharper their derision. Well, that's part of the price of being a Texan and finding one’s self on foreign soil. Jealousy runs rampant, but these Californios take it to a new level. I can't really blame them though. Many have never known anything better.

Anyway, after the traditional taunts and counter truths, they begin the inevitable assault on my manhood, and the incredulous inquiries. Including of course the tired old have you ever rode a horse? Of course all Texans are oil millionaires or cowboys, so I must be a cowboy. Well it so happens I could ride before I could walk and I sold my quarter horses when I joined the Army. And I have never once seen the danger in any stunt I've ever pulled until long after it was too late to escape the consequences.

And so it was yet again. "Okay, so you've ridden a horse, big deal! Have you ever ridden a Hippo?" And this was one of those questions where, depending on how one answers, life as he knows it may be permanently altered. So here I was, with these Californios… the most manly of which would be considered a sissy where I come from, and I'm not about to give them the last laugh.

I guess that's why I did it. Or maybe it was the same thing that made me pull every other stupid stunt I ever pulled; BECAUSE I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY!! I could never resist the siren's call to adventure and never had any thought of personal danger going in.

So don't think I'm brave. I'm not. I'm fearless. Brave is knowing there is danger, and doing it anyway. Fearless is being blissfully unaware of any potential for danger until it is far too late to do very much about it.

"No, I've never ridden a hippo, but I've ridden an elephant!" A true statement and an elephant is bigger, therefore more impressive, or so I thought. "Why don't you take Lulu for a little ride?"

Well I got to admit a chance to ride a new animal is a powerful enticement to any red-blooded Texan! Lulu was about half grown. They said she was a little over 3 tons. Lulu was 3 years old and seemed very sweet. She came to the iron gate, and opened her mouth wide to allow them to massage her gums. I tried it. Interesting thing to put your hand into a mouth that could swallow you whole.

Anyway, while they were distracting Lulu at the gate, I climbed up on the stone wall, and dropped onto her back, like in the old Westerns. Lulu bellered so loud I was nearly deafened, and took off running as fast as she could go!!

Maybe that don't sound too impressive, until you realize a hippo can outrun a quarter horse in a short distance. And Lulu was flying toward the river, bellering as though she had been attacked by a tiger! Now I know they say your life flashes before your eyes, etc. but it's never that way with me. But I do get an amazing volume of information in a very short time.

So here I am, sitting on a Wild Hippo, who is running extremely fast toward the river and I start to remember things I've read about hippos. Their speed. They are one of the 5 most dangerous animals to man. And their natural enemy is the crocodile. Hippos kill crocodiles by grabbing them and holding them underwater till they drown. A croc can hold its breath a long time. A hippo can hold its breath longer.

All of these thoughts conflicted with the sheer joy of moving so rapidly along atop this huge beast which was bellering with murderous intent. The ride was awesome!! This hippo’s hide was very thick, but soft. Not fat, but thick luxurious leather, stretched over powerful muscle. But as heavenly as it was, there remained a vexing problem! How to dismount without being immediately trampled to death?

I decided that the best thing would be to wait until she got her front legs into the water, then I would jump off and run. I figured it would take her longer to turn in the water, and I would get a head start (I was wrong of course, water is like air to a hippo!!!). As Lulu's front legs hit the water I made a move like a gymnast on a pommel horse. I put my hands on her back, lifted my legs and swiveled 180 degrees so I was facing over her tail. I leaped off and hit the ground running as fast as I could go.

It was a considerable distance and I could hear Lulu behind me! I knew if she caught me it was over! I got to the rock wall and scrambled up as fast as I could go. Lulu got there right behind me and put on such a display of anger and frustration as I have never witnessed.

"OK boys, I rode her. Who's next?"

No takers of course, for I was the only Texan present.

Well, I've done quite a bit of research, and as far as I can tell, I remain the only man who has ridden a hippo and lived to tell about it. And I'm from Texas.