Tom Moore · Blooming Grove · DiggyDog

Grinsmoke, Episode One · May 2012

Grinsmoke: A Bad Day in Budge City

By Tom Moore, writing as Mark Twaing

I know it's a fact because I made it up myself!Tom's sign-off on his first draft, May 2012

I was over at Marshall Mellons office interviewing him about the hiring of his new one-legged deputy when I heard a loud crash out in the street...

"Marshall Mellon!"

"What is it, Pester?"

"The stagecoach has been robbed! The driver made it into town, but he's shot up pretty bad!"

"What was that noise, Pester?"

"The stagecoach crashed into your Hummer!"

"Old Butterscotch! Quick Pester, get over to the body shop and fetch Leon!"

"What about Doc Alzheimer?"

"Does he do body work?"

"I meant for the stagecoach driver!"

"OK Pester. As soon as you get the estimate from Leon, run over and get Doc!"

"Uhhh, Marshall Mellon,,,"

"Sorry. Pester. I meant to say hop over and get Doc!"

"Right away Mister Mellon!"

* * *

That night, Marshall Mellon and Pester and Doc Alzheimer are enjoying a round of sarsparilla at the Wrongbranch Saloon when the doors are flung aside and an eerie presence is silhouetted against the backlit street.

"Is that who I think it is, Mister Mellon?"

"Yes Pester, that's Big Bad Bareknuckle Bart!"

"I'm Big Bad Bareknuckle Bart! I'm the baddest and the meanest man that ever stepped foot in Texas! I've wrestled a tornado, punched a tiger and ridden a hippopotamus! I can tame any animal, charm any woman and whip any man alive! All you scared little rabbits better get out of my way, cause I'm a mean huckleberry and I'm here to stay!!"

* * *

"Phatt! You have got to get him out of here before he wrecks the place!"

"All right Miss Litter, I'll take care of it."

"I told you before, Phatt, you can call me Kitty!"

"OK, Miss Kitty, and you can call me Marshall Mellon!"

* * *

Half an hour later, Pester hops into the Wrongbranch and has a private conversation with Marshall Mellon...

"OK Pester, did you get everything set up like I told you?"

"Yeppers Marshall Mellon, I did just what you said. I stood the mirror out in the middle of the street, and I have the lighting rigged and ready to go!"

* * *

Over in a corner of the Wrongbranch, Big Bad Bareknuckle Bart is playfully pulling the arms off of a half dozen professional football players when Marshall Mellon speaks up...

"All right Bartholomew, I think you've had a bit too much sarsparilla! I think you had better come with me to the hoosegow!"

"Nobody calls me Bartholomew!! I'm Big Bad Bareknuckle Bart!"

"That's not what Sinfully Stupid Snake-Eyed Sam says! He says your name is Bartholomew and he can prove it!"

"Where is he?"

"He's out in the street waiting for you!"

"I'm gonna change his name to Sinfully Stupid Snake-Eyed Sarah!"

"Don't look directly at him, Bartholomew! He's so ugly it will drive you insane to look at his face!"

* * *

Needless to say, Bartholomew got a good look at himself in the mirror, albeit with very poor lighting, and the sight frightened and sickened him to the point he ran screaming out of town. Good news right? Another lunatic on the loose.

* * *

Next day over at Doc's office..

"Well Doc, what is it?"

"What is what?"

"What is your prognosis, Doc?"

"Oh, that! Well as you can see, Pester, he didn't make it!"

"I'm Phatt, Doc!"

"Yes I can see that. You need to get more exercise and stay away from the sarsparilla! Pester, you just can't carry that much weight on one leg!"

"I'm not Pester, Doc, I'm Phatt Mellon! And I'm not fat!"

"Well are you or aren't you? Sometimes Pester you do and say the darndest things!"

"OK Doc forget it!"

"Forget what?"

"Never mind that, did the driver say anything before he expired?"

"Expired? Like some vegetable in the market?! He was a good man. Anyway we talked a lot before he croaked. He even told me who robbed the stage!"

"Who was it, Doc?"

"Who was what?"

"Who robbed the stage!"

"I can't tell you that, Pester! Hop over and get Marshall Phatt!"

"I'M PHATT!!!"

"Then roll over and get the Marshall before I forget!"

"Forget what?"

"Whatever it was we were talking about!"

* * *

Anyway, come back to Budge City any time and see what Phatt and Pester and the rest are up to.

Happy tales to you....